wow...

I usually like to keep an update of our lives (Magda and I) but well.... I feel like the sun and moon has failed me once again. I have been "here" for far too long and I don't know what to do anymore.

"Dear Magda,
I love you so much. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't imagine doing anything without you. I am totally absorbed...you have changed me. You have altered my priorities and I thank you so much for that. I just want to say that I am so sorry for the fights. The arguments. The screaming. I do love your father. But so much shit has built up that it seems like WE CAN'T GET THROUGH IT ANYMORE. No matter what, we love you. You are our everything. this.. this...."

FUCK. What do you do or say when you are with someone and its not working out.... and you have a kid. I changed for him, and i am trying my damn hardest to make him happy to make this work. But it just seems like nothing i do or say can fix this. "Enough" has become a foreign word. I am not saying its all his fault. I too have done and said things I am not proud of. But, shit... i changed. I am trying. It seems like he lost all patience with me.
I started to slowly build up this hatred toward him while I was pregnant. It was hard, the whole pregnancy, on my body, emotions... And I did my best to be the best "wife" but it seemed like no matter what things were not getting better between him and I. I stayed, thinking things will change as soon as Magda was born. At times things are great. But then all I think about is what if I say the wrong thing, or do something stupid. what if he keeps pushing my buttons and I explode on him and just leave???? I love him and want to make this work. But I DO NOT want Magda to grow up with parents that fight all the time. I did and it was horrible. So what do we do. Counseling? keep trying? Gosh... what a fucking lame blog. Sorry.